Wordless Wednesday

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Sunrise, Sunset

Recently, I went through something with my son that I never thought I would.

My son is 15 years old and my oldest child. From the day he was born, it was me and him against the world. He’s always been the one right behind me backing me up and I couldn’t ask for a more well-behaved kid, even as a teenager. He does his chores and he is a stand up kind of guy. Yes, I may be a “nobody stay-at-home mom” but with BOTH of my children, I can say I have accomplished my goal of raising two responsible citizens who thankfully aren’t anything like I was growing up, heh.

This is before I remembered with teenage-dom comes hormones.

Ahhhh, yes. Hormones that make teenage boys into crazy animals who jump off cars, or run in just shorts and sneakers in the snow, or constantly flex their guns when girls are around. Hormones who make momma’s sweet baby angel son into a secretive and quiet young adult who might contemplate or oh, I don’t know….

LIE to their own mother!!

Stop it. I see you with your young children saying to yourself, “Oh, no. Not my child. Nope. That will never ever happen to me.”

Yes, it will. Maybe not specifically that but something that you didn’t see coming will blindside you when things are going so well and knock you clean onto your face. You won’t know how you got there but when the dust settles you are going to find out something new about your child and…

It might even break your heart.

So, here is the situation. A few months ago, my son told me he was going to meet his friend (I’m leaving names out just because I can and I will) and they were going to walk around the neighborhood and then maybe come here or to his friend’s house to play games or throw the ball around. Ok, fine. Do you have your phone? Check. Call and check in around an hour from now. Check.

He goes and plays with his friend, comes home, goes back out, comes home, we all eat dinner, he leaves for activity night at his church, fast-forward to about an hour and a half-later and I have Drunky McBlackteeth standing on my front porch screaming about how he almost shot my soon (OMG) and that he was going to call the cops and he’s probably already got a record and scream and drunk breath and scream and blah blah omg I’m gonna faint if he breathes on me again….

Yeah.

So, first of all, my son has never been in trouble to “have a record” in his entire life. He has been in trouble a few times at school for being a smart ass or a shit to a teacher or 2 but nothing worse than that. Second of all, I have never had any person stand on my front porch and threaten to shoot ANYONE in my family.

Apparently, my son’s friend had to go to a birthday party with his family but their plan was to meet up and then go to this girl’s house whose PARENTS WEREN’T GOING TO BE HOME because she and her sister invited them over. Well, when his friend couldn’t make it because of the birthday party, the girls just told my son to come on over by himself.

Now, imagine yourself as a 15 year old boy who I am pretty sure is still a virgin. You are raaaging with the aforementioned hormones when not one but TWO girls invite you over to a house where there will be no adult supervision. What would you say?

I am no dummy. I remember being 15 years old. Boys sure were interesting.

My husband decided to deal with the Mayor of Crazydrunk town while I called my son.

ring ring ring ring

“Hey, mom!”

“Get home right now.”

“Oh…”

“I mean….NOW.”

“On my way. Sorry, mom.”

And that did it. “Sorry, mom.” sent me over the edge. The cake was a lie, the kid I had raised had totally tricked me and was not the kid I thought he was and OMG HE ALMOST GOT SHOT. I went to my bedroom after my daughter asked if everything was alright. I assured her it was then immediately locked the door and lost.my.shit.

I just KNEW. I just KNEW everything the guy said was true.

Finally, my husband was able to calm down Mr. Took His Meds Too Late and send him on his way only to come in and find me crumpled on the floor, crying my eyes out.

Then, he left to go find my son.

In the meantime, you would not even believe the things that were going through my mind!

Apparently, the guy came home from work early and the girls’ and my son’s brilliant plan was to hide him in her closet. The girls’ (turned out to be granddad who was raising the girls) grandfather saw my son and told him he was going to get his gun and for my son to go sit at the kitchen table and wait for him.

My son said he hit the ground running and ran right out of the house because he was truly afraid for his life. He absolutely believed that guy was going to shoot him because he witnessed him slapping one of the girls in the face right in front of him.

Now, in the interim of this and Pirate Blackteeth showing up on my front porch, my son had been home TWICE, eaten dinner at the table with us, watched a movie, and NEVER MENTIONED IT.

We knew nothing about it and probably wouldn’t unless her parent/guardian came over and told us.

My son broke my heart that day and I ended up eating a whole lot of humble pie. But, I did learn something from it.

It’s better to ask a million questions than to never ask one. So, until you know all sides of a story, you never know the full story. It’s always easier to fall into hysterics. It takes strength to hold yourself together as you find out all of the pieces to that full story.

Wordless Wednesday

The Lady and The Rat

Just a bit of something I’m working on. I was given some words to use and this is what I have come up with. I will probably put it down for tonight and see what I can do with it in the morning…


The angle of the shallow woman’s face was slanted toward the street as she raised her arms and brought them down with a splash into the coffee spilled on the table. There was a tug at her stiff heart as she began to anticipate the shit she would surely be getting from the other patrons of the Damper Plug bar. Still, she decided to wake these people up with her tiny gestures and bright pink jeans. She thought about what would happen should she grab the rat when he first walked in…the fire burning quick flash hot in her soul but thought instead she would just hit at his hind flank or head and drag him to the alley…she was sure he had a tail like his animal counterpart. What she knew for certain was that this night was clearly in the crapper and she just might lose her mind if she had to hear another rendition of jingle bells by this fucker.

For You

And it was like that day when we finally realized how we knew each other and we laughed and laughed and looked a little too long into each others' eyes...

It's like that beautiful day when I was crashing into the waves and you were there to catch me and we were falling and tumbling together as we broke through the sand filled water laughing...

It's like that dusky day we were out in the fields bursting through the greenest trees I'd ever seen and I held onto you tighter and tighter as we rushed through the forest like thieves...

It's like the first time you made a "big" purchase for yourself...

It's like that time we had to walk down Greenbrier parkway from the Red Roof Inn when I was 8 months pregnant and you were so scared something was going to happen to me...

It's like we aren't getting older, we're just having a tiny party every year that we're still together...

It's like that day we got married and listened to Marilyn Manson all day right in front of both of our parents...

It's like that night we found out it was a girl...

It's like the first time we saw the movie Seven....

It's like that one day we were at work talking about how broke we both were and suddenly we found $100 laying on the ground...

It's like on the weekends when the children were still little and we were so very poor; cards were cheap (sometimes free) and we would sit and play cards for HOURS and talk after the babies went to sleep....

It's like that time you defended me. I had been so used to being bullied and stepped on and treated generally like nothing and you stood up for me. I can't even describe that feeling without crying...

It's like that night you stole a kiss from me in the snow right underneath that fancy lamp post I was going on and on about because you knew I talk a lot when I get nervous...

It was like that one day we burst out laughing in the middle of an argument because I kept making outrageously ridiculous mad faces when I would talk just because I thought what we were arguing about was stupid and you laughed so hard I thought you were going to cough up a lung...

It's like the first time you brought me flowers and the look on your face when I told you I loved them...

It's like that day you called me from boot camp...

It's like the night you first held our son and the day you first held our daughter...

It's like that day you got down on one knee and told me you would never be able to live without me and asked me if I would be your wife...

That. That is how you still make me feel every day.

It Seems Fitting Today...

Silent All These Years - Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]

And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years

Blogging Is (NOT) Dead

Every three months or so, I come across an article or blog written by someone who is
either shutting their blog down or taking a "break" or making the wholly ridiculous
assumption that blogging is absolutely dead.kaput.done.

And, as you may have guessed I disagree with that.

I have been blogging for a LONG time. It started over 9 years ago with Xanga, next there was MySpace, and then Blogger.com and Wordpress.com. I STILL have people reading my blog here that were reading my Xanga blog (Hey Mary and Devo<3) and my MySpace blog (Hey all of you guys <3) and have picked up some great new friends/readers here on blogger and wordpress. But the one thing that has been a constant is that no matter when I post, whether it be every single day or once or twice a week/month/year, my readers are still here to read it. Whether they leave comments or not is fine, I am happy just to have any audience because you see...writing and blogging has always been my way of unscrambling and setting things right in my mind. And if I can find just one person out there who "gets" it, then I don't feel as alone and that helps tremendously. I guess my blog is what you would call more of a conversational blog than an in your face this is how the world should be blog ...

Constantly, I see these posts that seem so predatory to me. Predatory meaning they think blogging is dead because they aren't making any money off of their blog or can't get a sponsor. I admit there have been times I have gotten weak when money has been tight in our household and I did research on virtual assisting, product reviews, etc to be held on my blog but...I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Just like being a "Mommy blogger" something made me want to get away from that stuff quick, fast, and in a hurry.

I'm sure it works fine for many people but I didn't like the feeling I got from it so I decided to maybe research that more later. As I stated earlier, however, my blog mostly is opinion, silly or sad stories about my past, new favorite songs, or links to things I'm doing on other sites around the inturdweb. So, is blogging dead for me? Definitely not. It's actually very good practice for my first love, writing. I took Charles Bukowski's advice for writing as motivation:


~So you want to be a writer - Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

*Do you think blogging is dead? Why or why not? How often do you post? Please feel free to leave a link to your blog here!*

Desiderata

I watched the Master Class episode spotlighting Morgan Freeman last night. I have been a fan of Morgan Freeman since I watched him on The Electric Company when I was a little girl and as I grew up he's been in most of my favorite movies. At the end he paraphrased this poem...and just like that, I am writing again and my muse/inspiration is back. Thanks, Morgan Freeman!

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

The Al Ringling Theatre

The Al Ringling theatre was in fact owned by Al of the Ringling Brothers Circus. He picked the Rapp and Rapp architectural firm of Chicago to design the theatre in the French Renaissance style. It was meant to be the one of the largest and finest theaters in Baraboo, Wisconsin. It opened its grand opera doors in November 1915 and has been in continuous operation since....[ Click here to continue reading my article on FilmSnobbery.com... ]

Live With Intention

I had completely forgotten about this until I randomly came across it recently. It's simple and short but sometimes those little things say so much....


Live With Intention
Walk to the edge
Listen hard
Practice wellness
Play with abandon
Laugh
Choose with no regret
Continue to learn
Appreciate your friends
Do what you love
Live as if this is all there is

Mary Anne Radmacher